Honestly, I have no idea how I feel.

We never see each other, and when we do make plans… I don’t look forward to them. I feel sick about it a lot. But then when I’m with him I suppose it’s alright… but we go so long without hanging out that I forget that it’s fun. 

And we never talk about where we stand (if we even stand) and he’ll never be the type of guy that will give me verbal reassurance. Do I want that?

But see I don’t even know what I want because I have no experience. 

Waiting this out as impatiently as possible.

Ben is very nice and doesn’t get angry when I’m a total bitch to him and it’s nice to have a solid friend like that.

Olivia is my best friend always and forever and despite our differences we both have growing to do and I sincerely hope we do it together.

And Ryan.. is humorous. Sometimes.

Ben is an annoying cunt that makes blanket statements based on false information or his own misconceptions/opinions of what the world is like. He’s wrong.

Olivia is a mega-bitch that is in love with being right and rude.

Ryan is constantly an ass hat and I’m really embarrassed by him. He wants to visit Olivia and I at college next year and I honestly am not looking forward to it. I think both he and Olivia don’t have a clear image of what our relationship with him will become. But I will triumph in the end.

Yeah she thinks they’ll be the best of friends, which, really isn’t even healthy if they’re broken up it’s just weird to me. Olivia is mine I’m ready for Ryan to go away.

EVERYONE IS ANNOYING

My life is pretty sucky right now.

about Matt. FUCK. I really think I made a mistake… I really don’t know if I can like him. I’m trying really hard to excuse him for his insensitive behavior but it’s hard. For years now I’ve wanted him but what if this vision in my head isn’t real? No, I know it isn’t real. And I don’t think I like the real version. 

I’m wondering if maybe I don’t write out the event of my life on here more often is because I’d rather repress a lot of it. Fuck.

Matt can’t really commit to any plans, I ended up going over to his house the other day. He’s so attractive… except for the acne. Which I can deal with I suppose. But… I’m not sure how successful it was. I mean, for not seeing each other for a year it wasn’t too awkward. We had things to talk about the whole time. Except there was a lot that I wanted to say that I couldn’t as always. I let my insecurities get the best of me when I’m with him because I have him on this pedestal… but I’m sure that he has insecurities too. I just forget about that because for some reason I think he feels like he’s so much better than I am but that may not even be true… I just wish he would tell me something. About who he is or how he feels. I don’t know. I invited him over to watch a movie tonight but he may not come. My theory is that we just need to spend more time together so I’m going to be obnoxious about making plans. Olivia says I need to be more assertive and that he’ll appreciate it. I hope she’s right.